People have spoken these words to me. Not just out of the blue but during thoughtful conversations and in response to my own questions like, “Why did this person say…” or “I don’t understand what I did…” or “I didn’t mean to…”. People have spoken these words to me. Not people who I’ve only just met or recently befriended but people of meaningful friendships and relationships. Loved ones.
I don’t believe anyone has said this with intent to hurt or belittle me. However, it is in my character and in my being to take things personally and to hold myself accountable for the ripples that I create. And these words may bud sprightly from one’s heart before skating off their tongue but they hit me like a landslide: “you’re too difficult.”
A landslide of Language
Here it comes, slowly at first, barely making its way into the space between my ears. A thought.
“I might be difficult sometimes."
Gaining momentum and heaviness as it shifts into the space between my lungs. A justification.
“I’m being too difficult, that’s why he/she did that.”
Pulling downward, forcing me to sink and lose mobility (legs that were so strong and swift). A fear.
“People keep doing [that], so it must be true."
Pushing from above, wringing tears of doubt (eyes that used to gaze forward and gaze brightly). An anxiety.
“I’m difficult and everyone thinks I’m difficult."
A landslide that must be stopped before it’s documented as a natural disaster. A debilitating anxiety.
"I’m difficult to exist with and therefore I’m not worthy."
Wait, But Why?
inching out of the mud and debris
Is it because I hold others accountable in an "old-fashioned" sense?
Technology is powerful. As the makers of technology, we are not powerless. And so, it makes sense that we shouldn't act powerless. Technology makes information more visible and assertion more efficient. I don’t believe in the assumption that technological tools create walls to hide behind; walls that absorb uncertainty and guilt.
Collaborating with another person to make plans for a certain day is the only "confirmation" that I need. If I don’t hear from you until the day and time roll around, I still expect that I’ll see you. But now it’s time but it’s just me. Something terrible must’ve happened to you! That was supposed to be funny, you can laugh.
finding familiarity in vulnerability
Is it because I have high expectations for the people in my life?
It’s easy to let me down. It’s easy for me to let myself down. My therapist agrees and even he/she has let me down. When you’re someone who sees in black and white most of the time, it’s really hard to live life in grey. I like to imagine that someone living life in grey can choose to filter how they see the world. They can decide if something that happens is going to turn lighter or darker. But for me, lightness and darkness is it. I’m up or I’m down. I feel inspired or I feel lost. I feel frustrated, constantly.
Why aren’t they living up to their potential?
Why aren't I living up to my potential?
Why isn't anyone trying harder?
I should be doing more...
Let me make myself clear. I am absolutely NOT the person to decide what boundaries and limits define one’s potential. I am absolutely NOT the person to decide if such potential is or is not being “reached”. But I do get to decide who I believe in, what I believe in, and how that all shapes me.
I believe that my hopes and dreams are manifestations of what I already carry - what I already have in my capacity. If you’ve ever heard people talk about “untapped potential” - that's what I’m talking about. I take the idea of untapped potential and nail that shit into the ground. Therefore, I can never define one's potential or one's capacity; instead, I can believe in it. I hold others to a standard that they already hold within themselves - seeds of potential waiting to bloom. This internal potential begins to show its colors during interactions and conversations; nourished by their energies and nurtured by their abilities.
Furthermore, I see my own truth. I see that I have untapped potential. I see that others have their own truths and their own untapped potentials. I want to see these truths being embodied because that is what it means to be living.
giving myself space
It's because I'm worthy.
I know when my energy is tapped out and when “doing nothing” and “just chilling” IS the work that needs to be done. Naturally, as a vata with some pita tendencies, I often feel ungrounded, anxious, stretched thin. I tend to vibrate between having high energy to being completely exhausted. So no, I’m not going to that concert with you and I'm not going out drinking tonight. I love you, but no. I don’t [and you don't] need to justify such affirmations with an “I can’t” or come up with some reason standardized as valid. I’m just not going to go. Instead, I’m going to soothe my anxiety by scrubbing the floors, listening to podcasts, and investing in my health with abhyanga.
Perhaps in the eyes of others, I’m too difficult. Perhaps I'm not worth it. But to me, I’m worthy because I'm living. I'm embodying my truth as I help myself tap into my inner potential.
I’m going to keep breathing worthiness in and breathing divinity out because this is my truth.
I am worthy.
I am divine.
One day our truths will align.